Since I was little, I have always struggled with depression. I struggle with Bi-polar disease as well , but that is a whole other story in itself. Today in this post I will just talk about my depression. I have never been good at talking or expressing my feeling. I have seen many therapists as well as doctors over the years, but the conclusion is, I will always struggle with depression. I struggle everyday to get up out of bed, to get motivated,to pretend that I am happy. More or less, I have pretty much mastered the ” pretending”. Depression , I guess you can say, has fully consumed every aspect of my life. Do not get me wrong, I do have some good days , but I can count on one hand how many good days I have out of a month.
I hear my 12 month old cry in the morning letting me know , hey it is time to take me out of my crib mom! When I walk into her room, and I see her for the first time that day, that great big smile that lights up her face, that is when the depression lifts a little, but after about an hour it is right back. It gets so bad that I do not want to be around anyone, including my family, but that is something that I have to fight. Struggling and trying to manage my depression is a full-time job. My kids notice it right away and start asking , “why are you so sad all the time mommy?” Do you know how horrible that makes me feel?
Because i am so sick and tired of everyone asking me ” what is wrong?” I become agitated . If I knew what was wrong don’t you think I would have started fixing it? Many people who do not struggle with or try to understand depression think that we can just ” snap” out of it. If it was that easy than there would not be a disease called ” depression” now would there? Because depression has such a strong grip on me for sometime now, I started using substances. Yes , it made me feel great for a while but it became quite costly. Plus after the high wore off , all the depression and problems were still there. All substances helped me do, was suppress . And ,besides of suppressing it also got me in a whole lot of trouble. Rehabilitation helped me to understand many things but never taught me how to beat depression. But at least I am clean and sober right?
Unfortunately there are way to far and few doctors out in the world today in the medical field that actually care about their patients and want to help instead of being in the profession just for the money. I can’t seem to find one that will actually ” hear” me and listen and want to help. Medicaid does not have such wonderful doctors under their plans. Some Medicaid plans either do not pay in a timely fashion or do not pay the whole appointment, I understand that you have a family to support and you have a clinic or practice that you need to stay open , but I have a family that I have to take care of as well.And I can’t take care of them to the fullest extent because I can’t find the help that I need to take care of ” ME”
I have read many articles on-line as well as self-help books,but without the medication that I need , none of that will help me. It is not fair the my children to have to take on some of my burdens. They are children, and I want the to stay that way until it is their time to become adults.
Is there anyone out there? Is there anyone willing to help? Til I find a doctor that is sympathetic ,understanding, and willing to help, I guess I will be fighting this battle myself, as well as the millions of others out there in the world that are struggling with depression as well.